My mind is swirling with thoughts tonight & I realize in this instance, how much changed in the past months.
when i was in my mid 20’s my brother would call out of the blue, he would sound urgent & very sternly he would ask, “what are you doing?” it struck me hard like a bass cord; deep & resonating a meaning that was beyond the impertinent feeling. anxiety would shake me & i realized everytime he would ask, that i had no clue what i was doing. i mean, beyond the trival things of the day to day life… after every conversation the resolve was the same, i bonded with my brother but i still would feel aimless.
i was convinced i wanted to write, i wanted to see my thoughts on paper, i wanted to share with the world my vision, my dreams, my everything. i dreamt up a woman in my mind & a life where i would be surrounded by all the things i love.
then she came along. i’ve never had a stalker, but when your life is online & you open your life to strangers it can be strange & uncomfortable when a simple stranger continues to lurk & follow… every picture, every post…. i wanted an audience & i ended up with one creepy fan with a less than flattering blog about me.
i can’t hide from my lifestyle. i’ve sat & rotted into a fungus. afraid to incite my little fan. i have to admit she taught me something about myself; because i never met someone so passionate & timid, i never met someone so emotionally destroyed, she mirrored the shell i crawled out of after my last love interest. the wreckage of my brain, fractured & unsettled. it’s these reasons i started writing more, to get a sense of things, to build a map of where my subconscious held me down.
i had to distance myself from her. everything about our chemistry was toxic & as much as i wanted to be a good samaritan, a white knight, i didn’t want to play someone’s hero anymore. i didn’t want to be the firefighter that dies in the burning building.
she made me tear away from my vanity & pushed me the deepest i’ve ever been into myself. do i just want a crazy destructive love life? am i onset to snuff myself out?
so what did i do next? i joined a gym. i have found solace in swimming, in at least attempting to force my body to build muscle, to consider being physical rather than be mental.
i was so comfortable inside my head. that was crazy. you have to be crazy to want to be alone constantly in your head. it doesn’t matter how organized or methodical you are… there is a point where your mind is as deep as the stars… & there is no point to be so alone.
so this is where i am. i have an amazing sex life. it varies & is safe with a wonderful lover. i hate… my job. i want to quit. i don’t even know why i’m there anymore. i have learned so much… & i do not doubt i could learn more as a cutter. but this life is not for me.
i’m happy working towards getting physically fit. i am never had a perfect body but it’s cool that i am pushing my limits.
i want to simplify my life. less technology, less clutter, less noise.
i don’t really have a vision, or a plan. i’m just playing it by ear, day to day. but i know there’s an end game. i know what i have to do. i know what i need, & i will make this work… for now.
Hit shuffle on your iPhone, media player, iPod, whatever. No skipping! Pass it on to 10 people then! I was tagged by thedrinkinggeek
- Catacombs by Coldcave
- Appels & Oranjes by Smashing Pumpkins
- Paper Trails by Darkside
- Sliver Words? By Rodriguez
- Planet by Anamanaguchi
- Baby Strange by T.Rex
- Blackskinhead by Kanye
- Tribe by Soulfly
- Bounce by MSTRKRFT
- Sinister Kid by The Black Keys
- Mexican Sun by Chevelle
- Schottkey 7th Path by Aphex Twin